When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
