i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
