Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
