I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
