I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I am never drinking with the goths again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
