and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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