I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
