I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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