I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
