You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
