I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
