I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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