I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
