I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
