Will you blow on my dice?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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