On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
