so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
