I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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