My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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