We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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