My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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