Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
