Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
