it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
