Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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