final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
