theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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