please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
