Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
