ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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