I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
