I wish my penis had an off switch
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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