You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
