So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
