Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
