if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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