the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
