Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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