I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
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but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
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I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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