My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
