I smell stomach acid.
I understand Curling. That high.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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