Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
