im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
