this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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