we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
