I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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