I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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