And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
