I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
You kept saying you had to be safe.