the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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