Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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