I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
