I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
