Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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